Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.

 

What is a cat's way of keeping law & order?
Claw Enforcement.

Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
She had mittens.

 

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police?
The purrpatrator.

 

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? 
Mice Krispies.

 

Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't?
Your lap.

 

How many cats can you put into an empty box?
Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

 

How do cats end a fight?
They hiss and make up.

 

What does a cat like to eat on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.

 

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.

 

If lights run on electricity and cars run on gas, what do cats run on?
Their paws.

 

Cats are just like teenagers:

- Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
- No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
- You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
- Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.
- No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
- Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
- Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
- Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
- Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone's furniture.
- Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

 

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "Whatcha doing, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. "And I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

 

A woman is walking in the park when she sees a man playing chess with his cat. She says to the man "I can't believe what I'm seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal!!" The man replied "Nah lady this cats not clever at all I'm beating it 6 games to 1"

 

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

 

"Doctor," said the patient, "I need help! I can't stop acting like a cat!" "How long have you had this problem?" the doctor asked. "Lest's see," said the patient, "Mom had the litter in '81."

 

Q: When is a bad time to cross a black cat?
A: When you are a mouse!

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